Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

I nominate Grizzle Bear to review the entire thread, remove duplicates and number the jokes! 

Don't do that ... I can't remember many and like hearing them for the first time ... over and over and over 

P.S.

Any of you lonely hearts out there are welcome to visit my bathroom.  I meet some of the nicest guys in there every morning.  Can't wait to hear new stories from the guy that shaves with me tomorrow.

[Hazcat]

Don't do that ... I can't remember many and like hearing them for the first time ... over and over and over 

P.S.

Any of you lonely hearts out there are welcome to visit my bathroom.  I meet some of the nicest guys in there every morning.  Can't wait to hear new stories from the guy that shaves with me tomorrow.

You sound like my Sons' brain dead cat.  Every time he blinks it's a brand new world! 

[MikeBjerum]

Brain Dead ... That pretty well describes me 

I just live here in my happy little world and enjoy the lead poisoning 

[MikeBjerum]

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

 The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.  The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad
 news, the donkey died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Son, I can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What in the world are ya gonna do with a dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'Like I told you, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

[Bill Stryker]

OLDER WOMEN

 

 

 I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

 She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

 In fact, she  wasn't too  bad at all, and I found myself

 thinking that she probably had a really hot
 daughter.

 

 

 We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she

 asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

 

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and

 daughter threesome,' she said.

 

 
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I  wondered what

 this daughter of hers might look like, I said,  'No, I haven't.'

 We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,

'Tonight's your lucky night.

 

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

 

 

 

 

 'Mom, you still awake

 

[Sponsor]

[m25operator]

Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, hoo, hoo, hoo, , just go's to show ya, never trust people over 50, they're sly.

[ellis4538]

This shows how secure I am...

What is the difference between a Christmas Tree and a Man?

The tree stays up for at least 12 days and it looks good with the lights on!


Merry Christmas

Richard

[jaybet]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[MikeBjerum]

Sven and Ole are sitting and watching the girls at spring break in Duluth.  As they enjoy the wet parka contest Ole asks Sven what heaven will be like.  Sven says he thinks there will be beer kegs everywhere and beautiful blondes all around.  At that moment Ole drops over dead.

Several years later Sven dies.  As Sven enters through the gates he sees Ole on a park bench.  A beautiful blonde in a bikini at each arm and a beer keg at his feet.  As he nears he notices that Ole isn't smiling.  Ole, Sven asks, what is wrong.  Ole replies ... Sven it isn't as it seems ... There's a hole in the keg but not in these 

[tt11758]

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, "Oh &$#*, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people,
November 4, 2008."

Damn it, that ain't funny.  It's WAY too accurate to be funny!!