Classic joke thread...

[Pathfinder]

The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Oh, so damn true!!!   

[TAB]

CAN'T SEND A WOMAN TO THE HARDWARE STORE
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to the hardware store. At the store, Bev saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.

---------------------------


I need to open a hardware store.

[MikeBjerum]

THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:




The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.

[philw]

THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:




The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.

hahaha

[philw]

Print this Pic off for anyone that needs to HTFU

[Sponsor]

[philw]

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about
playing Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....

"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,  and a happy New Year."

TO YOU ALL AND YOUR FAMILY, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE! (And all those with dirty minds - shame on you!)

[Majer]

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Big Frank]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Big Frank]

Sexy Migraines!


A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient, "You know what?, I used to have the same problem, and whenever I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal, rubs my toes, kisses my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house!"   

[PegLeg45]

What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?

There's skid marks leading up to the skunk.