Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1416938 times)

Pathfinder

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1240 on: December 19, 2008, 09:36:03 PM »
The Five Rules For Men To Follow To A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Oh, so damn true!!!   ;D
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do this to others and I require the same from them"

J.B. Books

TAB

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1241 on: December 19, 2008, 11:16:52 PM »
CAN'T SEND A WOMAN TO THE HARDWARE STORE
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to the hardware store. At the store, Bev saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.

---------------------------


I need to open a hardware store.
I always break all the clay pigeons,  some times its even with lead.

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1242 on: December 20, 2008, 01:14:36 PM »
THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:




The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.


If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1243 on: December 20, 2008, 05:08:05 PM »
THE  PATRIOT  MICROCHIP ...
is specifically designed to be implanted in the forehead of Islamic terrorists.

When properly installed it will allow the implantee to speak to God.

It comes in various styles and sizes:




The exact size and style of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless.
Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards,

MARINES
The Few, The Proud.



hahaha
Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1244 on: December 20, 2008, 05:11:07 PM »
Print this Pic off for anyone that needs to HTFU




Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1245 on: Today at 12:31:20 PM »

philw

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1245 on: December 20, 2008, 05:14:28 PM »
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, how about
playing Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's
the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."....

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and both sang....

"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,
Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,  and a happy New Year."

TO YOU ALL AND YOUR FAMILY, HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE! (And all those with dirty minds - shame on you!)
Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. The only thing you can’t do is ignore them

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1246 on: December 20, 2008, 06:48:59 PM »

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1247 on: December 20, 2008, 10:57:07 PM »
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.


They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1248 on: December 20, 2008, 11:05:06 PM »
Sexy Migraines!


A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!"

The doctor says to his patient, "You know what?, I used to have the same problem, and whenever I get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favorite meal, rubs my toes, kisses my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"

The next day the patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!"

The doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!"

"Oh by the way," his patient says, "You've got a great house!"   
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1249 on: December 21, 2008, 11:52:15 AM »
What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?

There's skid marks leading up to the skunk.

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

 

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