Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
 
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
 
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
 
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
 
The teacher had to leave the room.

[shooter32]

LOL...


sorry Haz

[Bill Stryker]

A French doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.

The Russian doctor says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind.  We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put
him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for
work.'

Maybe this is no joke and should have been posted on a different thread. What do you think Tom?

[tombogan03884]

Funny, but accurate.

[Bill Stryker]

Seamus and Jimmy, two Cape Bretoners, got a pilot to fly them in to
Labrador to hunt moose. They had great luck, and managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot
six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded. However, even
on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Seamus and Jimmy survived the
crash.



After climbing out of the wreckage, Seamus asked Jimmy, "Any idea where we
are?"



Jimmy replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase

 

[MikeBjerum]

Sheer Nightgown

 A husband walks into  Victoria 's Secret  to purchase a  sheer negligee
 for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
 $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
 for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it
 to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

 Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
 sheer that   it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
 the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
 myself.'

 She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

                He never heard the shot.

 Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

[tombogan03884]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:


'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00..'

A policeman, seeing the sign,
Stopped them and told them
They'd either have to remove the sign
Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,'
The officer smiled . .
'Their sign pertains to religion.'

So the two ladies of the night frowned
As they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer
In the area when he noticed the two ladies
Driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest,
He began to catch up with them
When he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.

 
 

[m25operator]

Tom, your bad.

[Bill Stryker]

Sex


The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!'



Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.