Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A guy is driving around the back woods of  Louisiana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down Cajun cabin:   "Talking Dog for  Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 

'Yep,' the Beagle replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' 

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces.  You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.  So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Army and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in  I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 

'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

'Because he's such a bullshitter. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!   

[tombogan03884]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8

[hollandm]

Just in

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8

That was awsome!  The asian guy was even like.  "Yeah, you go crazy hill billy!  You got it!"

[philw]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MApJnyk1PV8

haha   reminds me of this


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntQ9Axb4wSg

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-jqEj1Hvnc

[PegLeg45]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.       
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the proof.     
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Chipper!'.                 
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.           
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiippppp. 
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Chipper!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Chipper, get away from her, before she shits on you!'



                 

[Hazcat]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (makers of Mountain Dew) as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 
 
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 

[mudman]

R O F L

[PegLeg45]

"Engineering" ...
 

All engineers probably already know this.
The final paragraph tells all, but your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
                                 
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceptionally odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England and English expatriates built the US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
Why did "they" use that gauge?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used
that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match, for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel-spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
 
Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification, Procedure or Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may
be exactly right.
 
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends or rear ends of two war horses.
(Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story.
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are Solid Rocket Boosters or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the Solid Rocket Boosters had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses still control almost everything.