Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

Cure for Snoring?

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
She doesn't believe it for a minute, but that night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself that she'll try anything to shut that dog up, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him, too, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
She got the best sleep she had had in months.
Early the next morning, her husband awakens from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

[philw]

Illegal Immigrant's Poem



I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicare it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Australian Dummy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby?  it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
Australian crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think Australia 'darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

[Hazcat]

Where's the 'funny', Phil?

 

[philw]

Where's the 'funny', Phil?

 

It would be funny if it wasn't True

[philw]

For Things You Will Only See Once In a Lifetime


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUBfXR019dU&feature=related

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What do you think of beer ?' Some interesting responses, the last one being especially funny.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks,the better he dances..... One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old

[Hazcat]

Defense Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 86 years old.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
> 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
> spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
> sat down beside me..
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
> ago.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to rub my breasts.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I did not stop him.
>
> Defense Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
> good in years!
>
> Defense Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
> him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the
> little bastard.

[red364]

Too funny!

[philw]

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

 

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. $100 extra.

 

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.

You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

 

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

 

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. I hope we can still be friends.

B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.

C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 Evaluating Results:

 

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy.    You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times,  Congrats   

[red364]

 
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."...