Classic joke thread...

[1911 Junkie]

Do you know the difference between Mono and Herpes?

You get Mono from snatching a kiss............


Now that's funny right there, I don't care who ya are

[True_Texan]

Grandma in court:

Lawyer 101- Never ask a question of which you don’t already know the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney stood wide eyed and speechless.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

[True_Texan]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  'You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'  His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook.  Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[Ping]

Oh, great one True Texan!!! 

[deepwater]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

                                                                                 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St.. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson Motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
 

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

THE PLAN:

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
 
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
 
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
 

Damn - I love it when a plan comes together

[Bill Stryker]

You gotta love Newfie logic.


 
 

 
I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to  most others!!!
                                                         

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland, from Toronto.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!
 
When they  arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the  computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him  $2000.00 in Ontario!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
 

[MikeBjerum]

I saw a  billboard sign that said:

   

NEED  HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity, I called the number . . .. 

A  Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.   

[MikeBjerum]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
 
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back.  He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down , and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
 
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!
How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?"
He, to, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer.  "On my bill," he said.
 
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
 
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
 
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat.  The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ...  I'm collecting disability."

[mudman]

Now thats funny right there.