Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

I'm now officially laughing......................... uh oh......I laughed a Liberal jokes..............I hear the Black Choppers.................

Haven't you heard, Peg.......there are no black choppers.  I guess that means it's ok to shoot em down.   

[tombogan03884]

    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST   

    The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning   when she asked the question,   'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?'   Suzy raised her hand and said, ' I think it's your hands'.   'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'    Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'.  'What a wonderful answer! ' the nun said.    Little Johnny raised his hand and said,  'Sister, I think it's your feet'.  The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'  Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,    'Oh! God, I'm coming!'... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.   The Nun fainted

 Subject: My new hero T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience. HIS STATEMENT: "If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: 1. Red is positive 2. Black is negative 3. Make sure his nuts are wet."

[True_Texan]

Why city folk shouldn't move to the country:

[True_Texan]

This is an older joke so don't mind the actual date references.

RETIREMENT

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you
would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan


I've been investing in this plan for many years now. Great returns no matter what the market does

[Teresa Heilevang]

Praying at Work.

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Live Long Enough To Be A Problem For Your Kids...

[PegLeg45]

A Pirate walks into a bar............

BARTENDER:  Hey, I haven't see you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!

PIRATE:  What do you mean?  I feel fine.

BARTENDER:  What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before.

PIRATE:  Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.

BARTENDER:  Well, OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?

PIRATE:  We were in another battle.  I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.  My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with
a hook. I'm fine, really.

BARTENDER:  What about the eye patch?

PIRATE:  Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

BARTENDER:  You're kidding!  You lost an eye just from bird shit?

PIRATE:  It was my first day with the hook!

        

[True_Texan]

Hispanic Pistol Range

http://s598.photobucket.com/albums/tt63/True-Texan/?action=view&current=HispanicShootingRange.flv

[red364]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'   
 
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
///////////////////////////////////////////
Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football helmet.   'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again. You're in my closet now.