Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

I'll let you shoot my 3Screws   

[Johnny Bravo]

Haz.....I'll buy in as long as there are HAZARITAS !!!

[ericire12]

ericire12..........all I can say is.
"IF we ever get the privilege of meeting face to face... you better come loaded with full ammo.. cause verbally one on one.....You are toast!   

"Bring enough gun tank!"

[Hazcat]

I'll let you shoot my 3Screws  

Now that is tempting!  

[Johnny Bravo]

Old one but good one.........

Larry came home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

 

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?' 'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly..

 

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in
disgust.'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed On his privates?'

 

'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two,once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

 

 

 

 

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

I call Pay-Per-View rights!!!   

[ellis4538]

Snappy Answers!
 
Snappy Answer #1
 
 
 
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
 
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he
 
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
 
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #2
 
 
 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
 
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
 
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
 
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
 
they're dead."
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #3
 
 
 
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
 
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the
 
cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
 
without a ticket.
 
 
 
Snappy Answer #4
 
 
 
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up
 
that read low bridge ahead. Before he knew it the bridge was right
 
ahead of him and he was stuck under the bridge. Cars backed up for miles.
 
Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car and
 
walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said,
 
Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
 
 
 
BONUS Snappy Answer
 
 
 
A girl visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs
 
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
 
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
 
heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
 
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,"
 
answered the blond, "They're watch dogs!"
 
 
 
Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST !
 
 
 
A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN
 
asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
 
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores
 
than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

[Pathfinder]

Snappy Answer #5
 
A gate agent was checking in a line of people for the 747 waiting outside ont he ramp. She was waiting for another agent and was moving the line as fast as she could. One well-dressed man strode staight to the podium and handed her his ticket and boarding pass.

"Sir", she said, "You will have to wait your turn in line."

He said "I am the president of a multi-million dollar company, I travel thousands of miles every month, and I am flying first class, - you will take my ticket now!"

"No, sir", she responded, "You will wait your turn in line."

He fumes at that, and yells red-faced at her - "F-you, you do not know who you are dealing with! Do you know who I am?"

She calmly picked up the microphone and announced over the PA system - "We have a man at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone recognizes him, would you please report to the podium to claim him please?" - and calmly checked in the next person in line

[philw]

How do you turn a fox  into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference  between a battery and a woman?
A battery  has a positive side.

What are the three  fastest means of communication?
1)  Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and  mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride  until your friends find out.

What should you give a  woman who has everything?
A man to show  her how to work it.

Why is the space  between a woman's breasts and her hips called a  waist?
Because you could easily fit  another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5  pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on  it.

Why do  women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create  woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom  to the toilet.

Why do women fake  orgasms ?
Because they think men care.   

If your wife keeps  coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have  you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it  take to open a beer?
None. It should be  opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a  really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women  have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand  closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a  woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told  me...'

How do  you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There  is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas  more than women?
Because women can't shut  up long enough to build up the required pressure.   

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the
front door, who do you let  in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut  up once you let him in.

What's worse than a  Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do  what she's told

I married a Miss  Right.
I just didn't know her first name  was Always.

Scientists have  discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive  by
90%..
It's  called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before  their wives?
They want to.

[tt11758]

How do you turn a fox  into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference  between a battery and a woman?
A battery  has a positive side.

What are the three  fastest means of communication?
1)  Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and  mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride  until your friends find out.

What should you give a  woman who has everything?
A man to show  her how to work it.

Why is the space  between a woman's breasts and her hips called a  waist?
Because you could easily fit  another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5  pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on  it.

Why do  women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create  woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom  to the toilet.

Why do women fake  orgasms ?
Because they think men care.   

If your wife keeps  coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have  you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it  take to open a beer?
None. It should be  opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a  really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.   

Why do women  have smaller feet than men?
It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand  closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a  woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told  me...'

How do  you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There  is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas  more than women?
Because women can't shut  up long enough to build up the required pressure.   

If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the
front door, who do you let  in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut  up once you let him in.

What's worse than a  Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do  what she's told

I married a Miss  Right.
I just didn't know her first name  was Always.

Scientists have  discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive  by
90%..
It's  called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before  their wives?
They want to.

Teresa's coming, Phil.  Duck and cover, DUCK AND COVER!!!!!