Classic joke thread...

[Pathfinder]

yes as in very few, sorry will have to agree to disagree, I found him as about as funny as a fart in a elavator.

Now that's entertainment!!!!!!!!!!! 

[ellis4538]

Old Timers Sex
>
>              This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
>
>              The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We
went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.' 
>               
>              'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'  ! ;
>               
>              'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 
>               
>              'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
good idea!' 
>               
>              A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their
conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've! got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I! 'll
just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them. 
>               
>              The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the
back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts
her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the
fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into! the most
furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten
minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>               
>              The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know. 
>               
>              After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes
back on.. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this
is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 
>               
>              So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me,
but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' 
>
>
>              Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty
years ago that wasn't an electric fence' 

[Bill Stryker]

Once  upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful  daughter, the  PRINCESS.

But  there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would  melt.

No  matter what; metal,wood,stone,

anything  she touched would melt.

Because  of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry  her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his  daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One  wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one  thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be  cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a  plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that  could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would; marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG  PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a  sword of the finest steel.



But  alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince  went away sadly.


The  second prince brought diamonds.

He  thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and  would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them,  they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The  third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your  hand in my  pocket and feel what is in there.'

The  princess did as she was told, though she turned  red.


She  felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did  not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the  kingdom was overjoyed.!
And  the third prince married the princess and they both lived  happily ever after.

Question:  What was in the prince's  pants?

 











M&M's  of course.


They  melt in your mouth, not in your  hand.

What  were you thinking??

[PegLeg45]

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. 

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this, "have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
 
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama".

[PegLeg45]

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock  (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am.
While his coffeepot  (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ), and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA ).

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

An old trap shooter in a little town south of Montezuma went to see his undertaker to make plans for his funeral before his death. When it came to the pallbearers he named off six. The undertaker was quite surprised at this.

“John,” he says, “these guys were your worst enemies on the trap field. How come them?”

“Yeah, I know” says John, “but I want the world to know that I am a real forgiving Christian and can do things like that.”

The undertaker beams for such a fine man. “And,” he says, “this 500 pounds of shot that you want in your casket is in memory of a lifetime of shooting?”

“God no!” says John. “I want to give them all hernias!” "

[Bill Stryker]

*A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
> and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking
> at him and his bulging pockets. *
>
>
>
> *Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: "Its golf balls." *
>
>
>
> *Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time,
> deeply thinking about what he had said. *
>
> *After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
> longer, she asked: 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?** *

[Bill Stryker]

 A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. I'd like to apply for
the job," he said. "I was a  Marine F- 4 Phantom pilot and a Colonel in the
Arizona Air Guard but when they retired the Phantom they cashiered me as
well. So I learned to play the piano on the GI Bill."
 

         The barkeep wasn't too sure about this rather doubtful looking old
guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try and said, "OK
give me a sample of your playing." The Colonel staggered his way over to the
piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar
of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound
and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there
wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a
beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called
"Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You!" said the
Colonel, after he took a long pull from the beer. "And I wrote it myself,"
he said. The bartender and  the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player then went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping   bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot
acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs
Make My Afterburner Light." He then excused himself as he stumbled and
lurched to the john. When he came out the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Colonel, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
your pecker is hanging out?"

          "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[sledgemeister]

A 60 year old man goes into hospital for a physical.
All the tests come back normal and the Doc says "Bert, everything is fine,how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bert replies"God and I are tight.He knows I've got poor eyesight,so He's fixed it so that when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night "POOF" the light comes on automatically and when I'm done "POOF" the light goes off automatically."
"Wow,thats incredible" says the Doc.
A little later in the day the Doc calls Bert's wife.
"Joan,' he says,"Bert is doing fine, but I'm in awe of his relationship with God and I just had to call you.Is it true that when he gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night "POOF" the light automatically comes on and when he's finished "POOF",the light ACTUALLY goes OFF?"
"OH MY GAWD!Joan exclaims,"He's pissing in the fridge again."

[Hazcat]

Chinese Wedding Night



A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting  you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.


A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.


She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls.... Numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...










Wait for it....











'You want...Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'