Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

      

[Bill Stryker]

Good one Tom. LMAO It is o so true.

[Bill Stryker]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........ .
 
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
 
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
 
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
 
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
 
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
 
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees
 
 
 
 Ees a ham bush...."

 

[ellis4538]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


JMHOFWIW

Richard

[kygunnut]

 Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't
 need my help to leave the hospital.

 After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me  wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[Sponsor]

[kygunnut]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The  father  said, "Stay here and be very QUIET.  I'll be across the field," 
 
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and  ran back  to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be  quiet," 
 
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered  across my  feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.  I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.  I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.  I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.  I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.  But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,  "Should we eat them here or take them with us? 
 
Well, I guess I just panicked." 

[JC5123]

My first bow

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow
beginner kits. Of course, the first month i went around our land
sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did
you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds
before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan that i
was, i quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in
chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all
over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so
there really wasnt any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of
post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, i was shooting flaming arrows into a large
rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport
and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought
that it would probably just spray out in a dissapointing manner...
lets face it to a 10 yr. old mouthbreather like myself ether really
doesnt "sound" flammable. So, i went back into the house and got a 1
pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, i set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the
can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...
1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a
firecracker you know? You know what? to heckwith that. Im going back in the
house for the other can. Yes, i got a second can of pyrodex and
dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew the nock
to my cheek and took aim. As i released i heard a clunk as the arrow
launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, i turned to see
my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT he just got home from
work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my
bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a
WTH look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time
to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom.
Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I dont know if it
was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235  decibels of sound. I caught a half a
milisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and
i will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft
above the ground as far as i could see. It was like a little low to
the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a
crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...
THE  DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree
out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice i said "was". That
thang got up and ran off.

So here i am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
thundercats Tshirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what i can only assume is a vietnam flashback ECHO
BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMIT
CEASE FIRE!!!!! His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in
the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown
out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our
backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side
of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching
the tires.

I wish i knew what i said to my dad at this moment. I dont know- i
know i said something. I couldnt hear. I couldnt hear inside my own
head. I dont think he heard me either... not that it would really
matter. I dont remember much from this point on. I said something,
felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain,
blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so
and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me
CPR so dad could beat me some more. Bring him back to life so dad
can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... i never had to mow around that stump again.
Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzloaders a week or so later. And i still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both.

I guess what im trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its
good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in
life.

[ratcatcher55]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on… it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
 

[Bill Stryker]

Understanding Engineers One
 
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 
 
Understanding Engineers Two
 
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 
 
Understanding Engineers Three
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea.  I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 
 
Understanding Engineers Four
 
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 
 
Understanding Engineers Five
 
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 
 
Understanding Engineers Six
 
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 
 
Understanding Engineers Seven
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. 
 

Understanding Engineers Eight
 
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?  I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."   

[Hazcat]

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I replied I had a drug problem when I was young:

    * I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
    * I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
    * I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
    * I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
    * I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
    * I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields.
    * I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us.