Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected.  You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long

as you want."

The man was encouraged.  As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,  "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Solus]

A man went to his doctor and explained that he was concerned because his wife's desire for sex seemed to be diminishing.

The Dr. told him he had just the thing and gave him a prescription for a medication and told him to put a pinch of the power in his wife's orange juice in the morning and see if that didn't help.

The next time the doctor saw the man he asked how it went.

The man said.  "Well, I put the power in her orange juice and sure enough as soon as she drank it, she got very excited, pushed the breakfast dishes onto the floor, threw off her clothes, pulled me on top of her and we made passionate love right on the table."

The doctor said,  "You don't seem completely pleased with the result.  Wasn't the sex good?"

The man said,  "Oh, the sex was great but we can't go back to Bob Evan's anymore."

 

[Steyr M40A1]

A woman whom was unhappy about her lack of cleavage went to see the doctor.
"Doctor Schwartz, I want breast enhancement" she said.
The doctor offered her a non surgical option to try.
He said "every morning after your shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scoobie Doobie I want bigger Boobies!"
So she tried it for two weeks and to her amazement it was working!
A month goes by and she is happy with her growing breasts when she awakes late for work.
Once on the bus she remembered she forgot her morning ritual. Determined not to break the cycle she rubs her breasts and says "Scoobie Doobie I want bigger Boobies!"
The man across the isle stares at her until she is done and says "You must be a patient of Dr. Schwartz." Yes she replies, how did you know?

"Hickory Dickeory Dock........"

[tt11758]

http://s414.photobucket.com/albums/pp225/tt11758/?action=view&current=LotteryWinner.flv

[ellis4538]

 Clean Hair
> Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
> at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
>
> After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and
> asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
>
> The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
>  "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
>  telling you your hair smells nice?"
>
> The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[Sponsor]

[Wolfgang1952]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
Its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[red364]

The Single Shopper


A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".

                             

[tt11758]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE
OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

AND A 15-FOOT CRATER

WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.


    Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

[tt11758]

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
   
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
   
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
   
Man: 'What sins?'
   
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
   
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
   
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
   
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

  '

[Bill Stryker]

It has just been reported that the head gardener at the White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal serviceto the many US presidents. When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe? " The next thing I knew, my a** was fired.