Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

It was an e mail from another divorced guy  

[Solus]

Marriage isn't a word, it's a Sentence.

Q:  What is the definition of Bigamy?
A:  One wife to many.

Q:  What is the definition on Monogamy?
A:  Same thing.

Of course, married men live longer than single men.....at least it seems longer.

But then a married man is luckier than a single man.  A single man might make a mistake and never know about it.

  

[Badgersmilk]

[Badgersmilk]

[Bill Stryker]

Please be advised I am sick of receiving questions about my dog who mauled
3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegals wearing Obama
t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators
who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging
down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken
English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...  THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!=







I know this is so wrong on so many levels. I'm heading for the corner. Is there any craft beer left?

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

Must be something wrong with me....I don't see a thing wrong with not wanting to sell your dog.

Richard

[tt11758]

 
Undeniable adult truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still don't know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey … but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[fightingquaker13]

ROFL! Too true, every single word. My music is on CDs and that's where I'll stay. I ain't "upgrading". Deal with it!
FQ13 Who is still laughing over the Miller Light bit. "Every Kiss Begins With Kay"? Or "Beer, helping ugly people get laid from 1000 BC"? Which slogan do you trust?
FQ13

[ellis4538]

Blonde Joke!!!!!!

The Ventriloquist
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick.
 
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
 
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting,  "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes!  What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little f....r on your knee!"
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son, John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.