Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Coyote Problem...............


The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.  The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.  Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here ..... these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep ..... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order

     

[MinotBob]

Sitting together on a train were Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the crap out of Obama again

[Bill Stryker]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..  They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it back inside.
 
 
 
 
....now for the best laugh....
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,
he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.  Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!  The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:  "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

[Teresa Heilevang]

The Top 15 Reindeer Games

    * 15> Strip poker with Mrs.Claus
    * 14> Attach the Mistletoe to Santa's Ass
    * 13> Spin the Salt Lick
    * 12> Crapping down the chimneys of non-believers
    * 11> Moose or Dare
    * 10> Flying into the "No Fly Zone" over Iraq just to watch Saddam do a slow burn and Santa dampen his Depends
    * 9> Bait-and-Shoot Elmo
    * 8> The Annual Turn-Frosty-Yellow-from-50-Paces Contest
    * 7> Scare the Holy Crap Out of the Airline Pilot
    * 6> Convince the Elves to Eat "Raisinets"
    * 5> Pin the Tail on Santa's Big Fat Animal-Abusing Ass
    * 4> Hide the Venison Sausage with Vixen
    * 3> Elf Tossing
    * 2> Sniff the Tail on the Donkey

      and the Number 1 Reindeer Game...
    * 1> The "Rudolph the Shitfaced Reindeer" Drinking Game

[ellis4538]

MOM  OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the  course of the  meal, Ben's mother couldn't help  but notice how beautiful  Ben's roommate,  Jennifer, was.  Ben's mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between  Ben and  Jennifer and this had only made her  more curious.

Over the  course of the  evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben  and Jennifer  than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know  what you must be  thinking, but I assure you  Jennifer and I are just  roommates." 

About a  week later, Jennifer came to Ben  saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner,  I've been unable to find the beautiful  silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"'

Ben said,  'Well, I doubt it,  but I'll send her an e-mail just to be  sure. So he sat down and wrote: 
       
       
   
    __________________________________________________________ 

Dear   Mom,

I'm not  saying that you 'did'  take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm  not  saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever  since you were  here for dinner.

Love,   Ben 


__________________________________________________________ 

Several  days later,  Ben  received  an  email back from his mother that read: 
____________________________________________________ 

Dear Son,

I'm not  saying that you 'do'  sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that  you 'do  not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would  have found the  gravy ladle by now.

Love,   Mom

LESSON   OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

[Sponsor]

[crusader rabbit]

This gets better as you read.
Marine Corps Rules:
 
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10... Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11... Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12... In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13... If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
 
Navy SEAL's Rules:
 
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
 
US Army Rangers Rules:
 
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
 
US Army Rules:
 
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
 
US Air Force Rules:
 
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
 
 
US Navy Rules:
 
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
 
 
And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)
 
U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
 
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer (obviously a REMF) of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)
 
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
 
All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
 
1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters'
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
5. 'Guns don't kill people.
        I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]
6. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[Arabic version]
7. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
 
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
 
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
 
1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
 
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.
   

[Hazcat]

I fully support the US ARMY rules!

[Solus]

A city in CA that hosted bases for the 4 major branches of the service announced the time in this manner.

For you boys in the Navy, it's 4 Bells.

For those in the Army, it's 1800  hours.

For our Airmen the time is 6PM

For our brave Marines, the little  hand is on the 6....

[tt11758]

    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
    horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
    playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men. 

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
    fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
    agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
    began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
    Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
    allow me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
    man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
    still clasping his hands there at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
    loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

    She administered tender and artful massage for several
    long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

    He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

[tt11758]

A burglar broke into a house one night.
 
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'