Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Hell, I lost one keyboard to Crusaders new avatar. 

[FSBARAK]

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes
just before he throws up.

These two cracked me up. Who says romance is dead?

[billt]

     
      Senior Texting Code:


      ATD : At The Doctor's
      AAO: Aching All Over
      BTW : Bring The Wheelchair
      BYOT : Bring Your Own Teeth
      CBM : Covered By Medicare
      CUATSC : See You At The Senior Center
      DWI : Driving While Incontinent
      FWB : Friend With Beta Blockers
      FWIW : Forgot Where I Was
      FYI : Found Your Insulin
      GGPBL : Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
      GHA : Got Heartburn Again
      TOCTG: Teeth Out Can't Talk Good
      IMHO : Is My Hearing-Aid On?
      LMDO : Laughing My Dentures Out
      LOL : Living On Lipitor
      LWO : Lawrence Welk's On
      OMMR : On My Massage Recliner
      OMSG : Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
      ROFL... CGU : Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
      SGGF: Sorry, Gotta Go Fast
      TTML : Talk To Me Louder
      WAITT : Who Am I Talking To?
      WTP : Where's The Prunes?
      WWNO : Walker Wheels Need Oil

[Bill Stryker]

>>Possibly the best blonde joke ever.



>>
>> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
>> me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
>> started."
>>
>> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>>
>> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
>>
>> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>>
>> She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
>> the table.
>>
>> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
>> her and says,
>>
>> "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
>> assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>>
>> He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
>> nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... ..........
>>
>>
>> (scroll down)
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
>>
>>

[kmitch200]

I'd send that to a blond I know but I don't want to have to explain it to her.

Worst Christmas present I ever got her was a Gary Larson calender....she didn't get 3/4 of the humor.

[Sponsor]

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

Subject: Senior Texting Codes




For your Continuing Education points ~

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need  for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The  Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own  Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage  Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor  Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil   

When you ask for happiness and a beautiful life, ask not just for you, but for everyone.  When you ask for something better, ask not just for you, but for everyone.  By all means ask for abundance and health for you, but also ask for it to be given to everyone.
 

[sledgemeister]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings 
  are the only animals that stutter", she says.                             
                                                                           
  A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she     
  volunteered.                                                             
                                                                           
  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,     
  asked the girl to describe the incident.                                 
                                                                           
                   
   "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the         
  rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
  he jumped over the fence into our yard!                                   
                                                                           
   "That must've been scary", said the teacher.                             
                                                                           
   "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,       
  Fffff',Fffff, Fffff... and before he could say "F#ck," the rottweiler ate
  him!"

[Bill Stryker]

MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

 "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other.

 One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?"

 Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said

 "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said,

 "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

 Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
   

[Bill Stryker]

Prostate check-up...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical

and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he

discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female

doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new

procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I

want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check

your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy

obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your

left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and

say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, �Very

good�. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised

slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the

other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
 
The old guy begins,

"One ... Two ... Three"

  Old guys rule.

[ellis4538]

We do, don't we!

Richard

PS:  What comes after three?