Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

I love southern humor!!!!

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural  Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of
the  United States   ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

[tombogan03884]

CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I
desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys
in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst
through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

�I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,
confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I
stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

�There was a period of silence. I thought the call had
been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

�Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman
I have not stolen your car."

[jaybet]

I love southern humor!!!!

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural  Kentucky.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no
remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far
away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this
terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the
tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of
the  United States   ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done
buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

Monty Python (imagine the english accents)..."Bring out y'r dead...
'But I'm not dead yet".
"You will be soon"

[tombogan03884]

I learned how to use my credit card the hard  way:
 
 
                         

       My  trip to the grocery
           
     There  was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.  When  I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier
said,  "Strip down, facing me."
     
     Making  a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland  Security running amok, I did just as she had  instructed.
     
     When  the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I  found out that she was referring to my credit  card.
     
     I  have been asked to shop elsewhere in the  future.

[PegLeg45]

YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGS LIST.

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, D.C.)

Fifty-year old manure spreader, not sure of brand, said to have been produced in Kenya.
Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii, of questionable pedigree, does not appear to have ever been worked hard.
Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.
It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the sh!t for amazing distances.
I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.
I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way.
I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a three incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a three incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over w ith his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[tt11758]

 Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
 
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?"
 
"I died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.   Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
 
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."
 
"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

[santahog]

What's in that Can??

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying at the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong?

"I feel terrible, "he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again; he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..... (Are you ready for this?) "Hairspray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave".

[Solus]

Forget the Sarcasm Icon, we need a Groan Icon   

I guess we can make do with this one   

[tt11758]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said, "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball.  He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.  He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.  He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."