Classic joke thread...

[santahog]

If only this was funny..
******************

  Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
The counter girl took  my $ 2 and I was digging for my change
when I pulled 8  cents from my pocket  and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel  and 3 pennies, while
looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her  to just give me two quarters,
but she hailed the manager  for help. While he tried
to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
 
*1. Teaching Math In 1950s*
 
*A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is 4/5 of the
price. What is his profit ?
 
*2. Teaching Math In 1960s*
*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is 4/5 of the
price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
*3. Teaching Math In 1970s*
 
*A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80. Did
he make a profit?
 
*4. Teaching Math In 1980s*
*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is $80 and
his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
*5. Teaching Math In 1990s*
 
*A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and
cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He
does this so he can make a profit of $20.. What do you
think of this way of making
a living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers,
and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
 
*6. Teaching Math In 2009*
*
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
costo de la producciones
es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


*7. Teaching Math In 2013*

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property. He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway 'cause it's redistribution of the wealth.

[gunman42782]

Just a reminder of how clever the female population can  be!

 There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved  all of
 his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.

 


 He  loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died,  he
 said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all  my
 money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money  to
 the afterlife."

 So he got his wife to promise him with all her  heart that when he died,
 she would put all the money in the casket  with him.

 Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in  the casket, the wife
 was sitting there in black next to her closest  friend.

 


 When they finished the ceremony, just before the  undertakers got ready
 to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe
 box with her, she came over with the box  and placed it in the casket.

 Then the undertakers locked the casket  down and rolled it away. Her
 friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy  enough to put all that money in the
 casket."

 She said, "Yes, I  promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I  was going to put that money in that casket with him."

 "You mean to  tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
 with him?"

 "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all  together, put it into my account and I wrote him a  check."

 Send this to every "Clever Female" you  know!

[ellis4538]

According to a recent survey it has been determined that doggie style is the prefered position for sex these days....



He sits and begs.....



She rolls over and plays DEAD!

[sledgemeister]

"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline here. What's the problem, dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her bits by a Wasp and now
her vagina has completely closed up"

"Bummer, dude"

"Good advice mate, bye"





off to the corner I suppose 

[santahog]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,
'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[Majer]

Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No." said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no." he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $30,000 all crumpled up?"

"No." he said, now really intrigued.

"Well, go look in the garage..."

[santahog]

St Paddy's Day humor

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

    ---------------------------------

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

    ---------------------------------

    Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

    ---------------------------------

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

    'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

    'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

    ---------------------------------

    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

    'Just water,' says the priest.

    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

    ---------------------------------

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

    ---------------------------------

    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place where he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

    Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

-------------------------------------------------

A man enters O'Dougal's Pub and orders three pints. O'Dougal is a bit confused, but fills the order. This continues every night for several weeks. Overcome with curiosity, O'Dougal finally asks why three pints.

"Oh! Me brothers and I live distant from each other. We order three pints every night, one for each of us. It's our way of being together when we're apart."

After months of this, the man enters one evening and orders two pints. O'Dougal finally comes over and speaks, "Everyone here would like to share our condolences on the loss of your brother."

"Me brothers are fine. I've given up drinking for lent."

--------------

"Father O'Malley, me faithful dog passed last night. Would ya mind sayin' a few words over 'im."

"My son, it wouldn't be fittin' an' proper to offer blessin's for a dog."

"I understand, Father, perhaps you could recommend another church. I was willin' to donate, $5,000."

"Ya never told me the dog was Catholic!"

-----------------------------------

The old Irish priest, Father Flannigan O'Flinn, lay dying in the hospital in Washington, DC. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Barak Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest!

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old Irish priest wants to see us, but it'll certainly help our images." Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at Father Flannigan O'Flinn's hospital room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could've chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I've always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama. "Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."


--------------------


Sorry, guys.. This is the first joke my wife wrote to me, 22 years ago..

--- What's green and white and lives on the porch?

--- Why, it's Paddy O'Furniture!!

[PegLeg45]

My pencil sharpener:

[gunman42782]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
 
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
 
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
 
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
 
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
 
I rest my case.
 
Time for another beer.