Classic joke thread...

[crusader rabbit]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer..

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends; but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....


If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly...

[TAB]

um, things are going to get ugly anyways

[JoeG]

Entertaining AND deep from Tab...Who knew!

[Steve Cover]

How cold is it?  It was so cold the other day, that I actually saw a democrat with his hands in his OWN pockets!

Man that must have been COLD
Someplace freezing over comes to mind....

Steve

[crusader rabbit]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "From now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?" she asked.
"Well Miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two farking Arabs."

[Sponsor]

[billt]

 PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO  Chicago   WHEN A

BLONDE IN  ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND

MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS  SECTION AND

SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,

AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID

FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL

HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO  CHICAGO     AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT

AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT

THERE IS A BLONDE  BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,

THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK

TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M

BEAUTIFUL, I'M  GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M

STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE

PROBABLY SHOULD  HAVE THE POLICE WAITING

WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST  THIS BLONDE

WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?

I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.

I  SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS

IN HER EAR,  AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."

AND GETS UP AND GOES  BACK TO HER SEAT

IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE

AMAZED AND  ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO

MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.


I TOLD HER FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO  CHICAGO   

 

[Majer]

I have a new neighbor….She lives right across the road….
I can see her place from my deck….She's single and very good looking...….

I watched as she got home from work this evening which is New Years Eve.
I was really surprised when she walked across the
street and up my driveway and knocked on MY DOOR.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says, "I just got home and I am
feeling so amorous! Since it is New Years Eve, I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make passionate love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have absolutely no plans at all!"

She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog for me when I leave?"

[ellis4538]

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with nurse,
his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,


"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".




 

Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole has a paper route!"


 

[ellis4538]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


 

[MikeBjerum]

  It could happen to any of us ..

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.  I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet! A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.  I opened the door and headed back inside.  I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!   What am I now?  A toddler?

"Dude!  Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"  I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!  It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.  I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.  What now? I checked my keys and tried another.  Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.  I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.  The car seat in the back seat.  Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.  A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.  That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.  There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.  All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?  At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.  I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.  He was holding up a drink and a bag.  His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK.  My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.  And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.  I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.