Classic joke thread...

[kmitch200]

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with
"special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the
front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

HA!! This is sooo stolen! 

[Big Frank]

I'm so dense it took a while for that to sink in. 

[red364]

                                          The Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
 caretaker at your country house."

 "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
 is dead".

 "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

 "Si, Senor, that's the one."

 "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
 die from?"

 "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

 "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

 "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

 "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

 "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

 "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

 "Are y ou insane? What water cart?"

 "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

 "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

 "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
 on fire."

 "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
 a candle?!"

 "Yes, Senor Rod."

 "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

 "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

 "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

 "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
 thought
 she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

 SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

 "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."

[kmitch200]

I was standing at the bar of the Southern Cross at Cooly Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked  him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

[PegLeg45]

 

[Sponsor]

[Bic]

A Scotsman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,




 "You remind me of my little toe"



 She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"



He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."

[Majer]

I just had a examination, the doctor said to me that I appear to be in good health.

He ask me if I have any medical concerns?'

As a matter of fact I do. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . .

and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined my wife later he said, 'Everything appeared to be fine with her also.

He asked her also are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

My wife replied that she had no questions or concerns at all.

The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed

that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and

sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

[lhprop1]

I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.  In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey 'Mom...you still awake?"

[gunman42782]

Magic Sandals




A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.


The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Majer]

Two Scottish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So
Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"