Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1416947 times)

kmitch200

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4690 on: January 30, 2014, 10:54:58 AM »
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with
"special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the
front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked,
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

HA!! This is sooo stolen!  ;D
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4691 on: January 30, 2014, 03:45:56 PM »
I'm so dense it took a while for that to sink in.  ;D
""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

red364

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4692 on: January 30, 2014, 04:18:31 PM »
                                          The Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
 caretaker at your country house."

 "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
 is dead".

 "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

 "Si, Senor, that's the one."

 "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
 die from?"

 "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

 "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

 "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

 "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

 "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

 "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

 "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

 "Are y ou insane? What water cart?"

 "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

 "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

 "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
 on fire."

 "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
 a candle?!"

 "Yes, Senor Rod."

 "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

 "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

 "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

 "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
 thought
 she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.

 SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

 "Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep shit."





kmitch200

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4693 on: February 07, 2014, 12:36:42 AM »
I was standing at the bar of the Southern Cross at Cooly Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
 
I asked  him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
 
He says "No, why the fruck you ask me that?  Is it because I am Chinese?"
 
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles; but at least they drive slowly past schools.

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4694 on: February 07, 2014, 11:21:18 AM »
 :o

"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4695 on: Today at 01:05:22 PM »

Bic

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4695 on: February 08, 2014, 02:52:44 PM »
A Scotsman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,




 "You remind me of my little toe"



 She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"



He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."


Best Wishes, Mike.

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4696 on: February 09, 2014, 06:20:23 PM »
I just had a examination, the doctor said to me that I appear to be in good health.

He ask me if I have any medical concerns?'

As a matter of fact I do. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly . . .

and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined my wife later he said, 'Everything appeared to be fine with her also.

He asked her also are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

My wife replied that she had no questions or concerns at all.

The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed

that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time . . . and then hot and

sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old coot!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

lhprop1

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4697 on: February 10, 2014, 11:34:53 AM »
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old.  In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey 'Mom...you still awake?"
Bravery and stupidity are often synonymous.  So are cowardice and intelligence.

"We Americans have been a rebellious band of freedom loving vagabonds from the very beginning. Our freedom from the crown and tyranny would not exist had it not been for the gun. That's a tradition we like to hold on to.  The same can't be said for the rest of you 'Subjects of the Queen'."--said to a Canadian friend who just doesn't get it.

gunman42782

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4698 on: February 10, 2014, 06:16:00 PM »
Magic Sandals




A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the
goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.


The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Life Member of the NRA

Majer

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #4699 on: February 13, 2014, 07:49:33 AM »
Two Scottish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So
Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
"If violent crime is to be curbed, it is only the intended victim who can do it. The felon does not fear the police, and he fears neither judge nor jury. Therefore what he must be taught to fear is his victim." - Jeff Cooper
Pericles--"Freedom is only for those who have the guts to defend it".

The problem with society today is that not enough of us drink wine from our enemies skulls”.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, 17 to smile, and 3 for proper trigger squeeze.

Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars!!!
-Sheriff Jim Wilson
"When tyranny becomes law rebellion becomes duty" Thomas Jefferson
Es gibt keine Notwendigkeit zu befürchten, Underdog hier ist.
Great nations rise and fall. The people go from bondage to spiritual truth, to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependence, from dependence back again to bondage. Where are we now??????

 

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