Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

Bill can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bill asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Bill says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

; The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bill the go ahead to 'try out his new equipment'.

Bill takes his wife out to dinner . While at dinner Bill starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool!! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bill says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

[jaybet]

Catherine, one of my son's friends when he was
little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I
asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give new houses to all the homeless people.
Then they would have a place of their own to live'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.'  I told her, 'You
don't have to wait until you're Presiden t to do that, you can come over to
my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you
$15 dollars.  Then we can go over t o the grocery store where the homeless
guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) t hought that over for a second, while her mom
looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy
come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.'



Welcome to the Republican Party!!!

[shooter32]

Jay,
Right on the money

[Teresa Heilevang]

Retirement plans compared...


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would Now
be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank All
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
Heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Teresa Heilevang]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie
for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie
for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the
othe rs only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced
Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture , Ken's
Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles."

[Sponsor]

[Bill Stryker]

After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd reall y like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

[Bill Stryker]

Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: dead donkey
 
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
 
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
 
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
 
Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
 
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
 
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 
Chuck grew up and works for the government.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Proof Men Have Better Friends


 Friendship between Women:
 A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
 A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
 The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over,
 and two said that he was still there

[Teresa Heilevang]

Will I live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
''Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
 Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[MikeBjerum]

After watching Red Skelton's Pledge video I spent some time looking for my favorite joke he told.  However, I could not find it.  This is as close to an off color story I ever heard him tell:

When asked about his daily routine Red responded "When I wake up I take a deep breath "snifffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff," and if I don't smell flowers and burning candles I know it is safe to open my eyes.  Next I reach into the night stand form my Playboy and thumb through it to get my heart started."