Classic joke thread...

[deepwater]

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.  He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over.  She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.  She earns several times the $5,000.  She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.  She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[deepwater]

A husband and wife are shopping in Costco's when the man picks up a crate of Budweiser Beer and sticks them into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on sale today, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they continue on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BUDWEISER BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'
 

[PegLeg45]

Deepwater, I'm glad to see we have another member with a keen sense of humor.
I like a good joke almost as much as I like a shot of Wild Turkey.......almost (laughs can only go so far)........
 

A little Redneck Poem:

    SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
    SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
    SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
    SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

    PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
    BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

    YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
    BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

    BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA' HAPPY.
    MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
    YA' AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


    Brings a tear to your eyes, don't it?

[Ichiban]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She Spends
$5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald 's and asks the counter girl the
very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope. I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some
mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh,
I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm almost 70 and my eye sight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast... He
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[tombogan03884]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off
and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes
out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

 
"Shit, I missed." 
 

 
 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Cancel your credit card before you die.....

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. 

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member:   'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank :  'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member  : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citiban k : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' 

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' 

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank  : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) 

Citibank:  'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given.)

After they get the fax :

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't set-up for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member  : 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank:  'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member  : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help.'

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'

Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???


     (Priceless!!)    

[ericire12]

[ellis4538]

A Teaching Moment:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls had
begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can
just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the 20 girls how much effort was required. He took
out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the
mirror....

There are teachers....and then there are educators.

[ellis4538]

Marshall'ette, this goes along with your billing joke...I heard it on Paul Harvey and it is supposed to be true.

A guy kept getting a bill for $0.00 so he ignored it.  He kept getting this bill so he decided to send a check for $0.00.  He received a "Thank You" for the payment - go figure.

Richard

[jaybet]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.   
The morgue needed someone to identify the body,   
so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.   
The three men had always done everything together.   
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,   
Cooter said,  'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician thought this was rather strange.   
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.                                           
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'       
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'         
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'   
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'                                 
'What?  He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.           
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,   
'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'