Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a deadly virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it.  It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

[Hazcat]

What if I get an email with 'nude photos of M'ette' in the subject line?

Cause not opening that is NOT an option!

[Bill Stryker]

Liver and Cheese
 
 
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to meet her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.... 




(ok this is good now scroll down)
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Liver alone. Cheese mine.
 
 
   

[PegLeg45]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pin-head. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again.    

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a 'dumb ass' is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

[Bill Stryker]

A woman's gift
   
M'ette,
This is for you.

Quote for the day:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.
 

[Sponsor]

[long762range]

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman
yelling on the back porch?



The dog quits barking when you let it in!

[PegLeg45]

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.

They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

[Big Frank]

Here's an oldie but goodie.

A Nurse's Bad Day
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
 
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
 
Preparing to write a check,
 
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
 
And tries to write with it.
 
When she realizes her mistake,
 
She looks at the flabbergasted teller,
 
And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great...
that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen again.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.   

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. 

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.   Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.   

He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

 'Did you dance much ?'

 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....!!!!!!!!! 
 

[PegLeg45]

M'ette, this one's for you:

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
 
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at
 this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'
 
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
 
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'
 
The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
 
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'
 
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'