Classic joke thread...

[Johnny Bravo]

Garage Door - The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked
into
his office puzzled by the question.     
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires..

[FSBARAK]

Word Power - New Words for the Week

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a bug
in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've
been abducted and experimented upon.

9) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

10) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

[Majer]

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.

At first the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.  So I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no clue who his Daddy is.  So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

 

My Dog gets his first check Friday. 

[TAB]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog
attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[FSBARAK]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[Sponsor]

[Johnny Bravo]

 Blonde from Cork, Ireland

 

          An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

         She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
         As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

         The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

     MORAL OF THE STORY -
         Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[MikeBjerum]

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come

 they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

[tt11758]

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come

 they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

She's just tired from the vacation, dude!! 

[Majer]

Keeping Women Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

Heading for the corner again...

[MinotBob]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she
replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $400." "No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!