Classic joke thread...

[FSBARAK]

The city boy goes to countryside to visit his uncle. After the
sun goes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He
gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are
werewolves!"

"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing".

"'Then, there must be man-eating wolves".

"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."

"What is this sound, then?" the boy asks.

"They are coyotes".

"Coyotes? What are those?"

"They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind
of dog." The boy wants to find out more: "Why are they making that
frightening noise?"

"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got cactuses!"

[MinotBob]

There is a new study just released by the  American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1.  Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2.  10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good  man and they would have married him anyway.

[JC5123]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

[bulldog75]

Sad but true.

[PegLeg45]

Language:

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

I thought trains had "Cow Catchers"?   

[tt11758]

Language:

I guess that one gets to be a Big Mac before his friends do.

[rat31465]

Three friends married girls from different parts of the U.S.

The first one married a girl from Wisconsin. He told her that she must clean the house & wash the dishes every day. It took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house & dishes put away.

The 2nd man married a girl from Minnesota. He ordered her to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. The first day he saw nothing, the second day was better. By the third day, he saw the house was cleaned and a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a girl from Georgia. He ordered his wife to clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn & have hot meals on the table every evening. On the first day, he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day some of the swelling had gone down & he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

As a man who Married a Georgia Girl some 25 years ago...I would like to officially vouch for the accuracy of this paticular joke.

[tt11758]

 MURDER AT WALMART


 

Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided
to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife
with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


 

A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the
name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath & slumped to the floor,

the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto

the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind,

ol' Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings

were captured by the hidden security
cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.


 

Under intense
questioning at the police station,

Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,
including his unusual financial  arrangements

with the hapless husband
who was also quickly arrested.


 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 


 


 






(You're going to hate me for this...)







 


 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for  $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

[Johnny Bravo]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in their cart.
 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
 puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Coors and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'