Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring
day in his new Washington DC parish.

              He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

              He promptly called the US House of Representatives for
assistance.

              The conversation went like this: " Good morning . This is
Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

              "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

              Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of last rites!"

              There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

              Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

[red364]

New Truck




I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work…
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the  radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....

[Bill Stryker]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved three-year-old grandson.
It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child
screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle,
biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the
other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm,
controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer... easy,
boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax
buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the
gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to
have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.  The little
pin head's name is Charlie."

[fightingquaker13]

An American tourist goes to Scotland to see his ancestoral home. He arrives at a quaint village and walks through the narrow cobblestone streets. He is particularly impressed with a stone bridge over a small stream, amazed at its craftsmanship. He then finds that he has developed a bit of a thirst. He introduces himself to a man walking by, saying "I'm John Macpherson, I'm from America and I was looking for a pub. Is there one here"?
The man says, "Aye. And a good one too. I'm Ewan Macpherson, the plumber, and its good to meet a cousin. Macpherson the American, I like the sound o' that. Let me show you the way".
The American winds up in a pub in the middle of the afternoon.
There's just the barkeep and an old man at the end of the bar. The American, looking to learn some local history, sits down next to the old man who's just finished his pint.
He Says "Bar keep, I'm John Macpherson the American. I'd like a pint of your local and one for my friend here".
The bar tender replies "I'm George Macpherson, the barkeep, I'll be happy to pour one for both of you".
While he's doing that, the tourist remarks on the lovely wood work on the bar.
The old man says, "I'm Angus Macpherson, and I built that bar. Started with planks I did, and look at how she turned out".
The American is taken aback, but notes the bar tender nodding, and so assumes he's being told the truth.
"Lovely work" he says.
Aye, it is, if I do say so myself".
"Well that's really amazing, I've rarely seen woood work like that".
"Thank you, but its nothing compared tae ma' bridge'.
You built that"?
"Aye".
"Well, thats even more impressive. What do they call you then, since all of you Macphersons identify themselves by trade, because wood work and stone craft, and you seem to have mastered both"?
"Well that's the hell of it", says the old man. "I build a beatiful bar and a right braw bridge. Is it Macpherson the bridge builder? Is it Macpherson the carpenter? Nae, it is not! But ye f..k just one sheep........
FQ13

[red364]

 
Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.  The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.’

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

was wincing and laughing at the same time....thanks, Red 

[tombogan03884]

Little Johnny is playing with a squirt bottle of turpentine.
The local Priest, trying to steer Johnny away from the dangerous chemicals, offers him a trade, for a bottling of Holy water saying," This is the most powerful liquid there is, put a little on a woman's stomach and she will pass a baby."
Johnny replied," No deal, put a little of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Ferrari."

[Majer]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.


      The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.


      One night she went to bed but unfortunately she forgot to close the door properly from the rooms that separated the two dogs and the inevitable occured.


      As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.


      Putting on her dressing gown she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.


      The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.


      Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.


      Then she remembered that the village had acquired a new young vet who had moved into the village with his pretty young wife.


      Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.


      The spinster explained the problem, so the vet said, " Have you sprinkled cold water over them?"

      The spinster said, "I have done that but to no avail"


      "Have you tried shouting at them?" The vet inquired.


      "I have done that also but again to no avail" Said the spinster.


      There was a long pause whilst the vet thought the problem through.


      "I know" He said, "Has your phone got an extension lead that is long enough to reach the dogs?"

      "Yes it will easily reach were the dogs are." Said the spinster.


      The vet then said. "I want you to replace the receiver and take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should
make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"


      "Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"


      "Well" The vet replied "It just worked with me".

[m25operator]

Damn Maj, that was funny.

[tombogan03884]

Video of the week, right at the end.
All I can say is, Hey, I hear banjo's.

http://www.pjtv.com/?cmd=mpg&mpid=115&load=4100