Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

Last one for the day:


Chester and Earl are going hunting.
Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there.'

Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really were only two ducks out there!'

Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.'

 So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has.

The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and  says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!'

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, 'Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f***in' ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'

[Bill Stryker]

Old  Matt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called  Matt  the computer guy, to come over.  Matt  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
 
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
 
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
 
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like  Matt .
 

[Bill Stryker]

A commercial jet is making its final approach to Tampa.  The pilot comes on the intercom...
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa.  I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
He forgets to switch off the intercom.  Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says the Captain, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a huge crap.  Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out to dinner.  I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long ."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears the exchange. They all begin looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is the pilot is talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.  She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the front of the aircraft to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."

[jerry]

Happy Tax Day everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

***********************

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.
"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

***********************

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of
government. (Barry M. Goldwater)

***********************

There is a difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the
taxidermist leaves the hide. (Mortimer Caplan)

***********************

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat. (Sue Murphy)

***********************

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and
miss. (Robert Heinlein)

***********************

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
something right.

***********************

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others. (Oscar Wilde)

[ericire12]

"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby

[Sponsor]

[cookie62]

"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think, but in a deeper voice."

-Bill Cosby

And thats the TRUTH

[jaybet]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[Bill Stryker]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Marine are all working together one day. They come across a lantern ....

And a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I pretty much vote this my favorite e- mail of the
year...
 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Ahhh I apologize beforehand about this not being a very ladylike joke to tell ... but as usual... what can I say? I am just ..wellll.. you know how I am.  I just hopeless..   


A woman went to her doctor for advice.She told him that
her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
 'Actually,  yes, I do, she said.'
 'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No, she replied.. I rather like it.'
 'Well, then,' the  doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you  take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from?'

[jerry]

Ms M, that's a good one