Classic joke thread...

[philw]

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub with a tailgate feeder.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold Scope on his .300 Winchester Magnum at the unsuspecting Buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a Lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years."...

[philw]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!” The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 21:30 now.”

[Teresa Heilevang]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room
and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the
house.
 
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black
eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
 
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
 
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. what
happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

 PRICELESS

[Big Frank]

A Year Of Email!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

[Bill Stryker]

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been
married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very
good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and
exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when
they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said,
'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.

This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.
'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will
never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man glared at his wife and said,
'You and your frick'n bran muffins. 
We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

                    Baby Planes

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
"If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Now, let your mother explain that to you."

[Big Frank]

Winter blond joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Big Frank]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on Interstate 75. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up.  Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

[Big Frank]

Possible new slogans for Michigan.

The Snow Me state!
It's pronounced Macki-NAW... I don't care if it has a "C."
We're actually north of Canada.
Let's Fish again in Michigan.
The one that looks like a mitten and a rabbit, you moron!
Where used cars from Florida bring top dollar.
No hurricanes here.
The land of 2 seasons: Winter and Construction. ... or ...
The Orange Barrel State...
Stop and see the Giant Man-eating Clam on the trip north.
So close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference.
The last line of defense against Canada.
We know the rules to euchre.
Got fudge?
Two Mystery Spots. No waiting.
Yes, the Porcupines are real mountains.
Soda? We say pop here, buddy.
The Midwestern "M" state without a wrestler as a former governor.
No riots in Detroit since 1967. (Can't say the same about East Lansing though!)
More than just boarded-up auto plants.
Casino fever - catch it.
Home of Kalkaska dirt, our state soil.
Sandy beaches without severe undertow.
Happiness is a warm pasty.
Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets.
Water enough for any drought.
Visit Hell, Paradise, and then Climax all in the same day.
Birthplace of Meijer Thrifty Acres.
Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York.
Just a serial killer away from enacting capital punishment.
Gerald R. Ford slept here.
It's called snow. Get used to it.
Where the names of high-toned suburbs needlessly end with "e."
The buck stops here.
Deer processing available here.
Not as flat as Indiana.
Once a swamp unfit for habitation.
Try eating corn flakes without us.
Hardly any annoying lizards or poisonous snakes.
Big on flannel.
It's not the heat. It's the humidity.
Smoked fish sold here.
Good people with camping trailers.
We moved American history to Dearborn.
Uncle Ted rules.
No toll roads and proud of it.
Who you calling a hick?
Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny.
Nearly went to war with Ohio once and will do it again if they pull any funny stuff.
Land of snow machines and bass boats.
!#@%*+$#! mosquitoes.
We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style.
Where lousy teams get new stadiums.
Consider Amway.
Speed limit back up to 70, so move it.
The Red Wings State.
Three out of four seasons very pleasant.
Canadian money accepted.
Yes, it gets even colder than this.
Probably north of wherever you're from.
Mountains?! We don't need no stinkin' mountains!!
The Snowshine State.
You'd never guess Madonna was born here.
Where men are men and deer are dear.
Where troll's live under da Bridge.
Where else can you find Yoopers and Trolls all in one state?

[Big Frank]

State Mottos - Alabama to Wyoming

So the rest of you don't feel left out. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alabama: Like the Third World, but Closer!

Alabama: Keeping it in the Family Since 1819.

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it's Cold.

Alaska: Yeah, But It's a Dry Cold.

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat.

Arizona: Soon To Be the Pacific Coast State.

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything.

Arkansas: Attention K-Mart Shoppers!

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: Now 100% John Denver Free!

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Connecticut: The Middle C is silent, Ca**hole.

Delaware: Everything is Smaller Here!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida: Get Off of My State, You Kids!

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Florida: So Close, You Can Smell Fidel. 

Florida: More Than Just a Great Place to Die.

Florida: America's Wang.

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money).

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.

Idaho: You Can Be Da Ho Next.

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S".

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.

Indiana: Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn.

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States.

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, but That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts: Our Taxes are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets).

Massachusetts: Now with 30% Fewer Kennedys!

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians.

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.

Mississippi: Come and Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work.

Missouri: Loves Company!

Montana: Land Of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nebraska: The "N" is for Knowledge.

Nebraska: Land of Two Seasons - Winter and Construction.

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone.

New Hampshire: Just Like Old Hampshire, but Newer.

New Jersey: What Smell? 

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New Mexico: Cleaner than Regular Mexico.

New York: You Have the Right To Remain Silent, You Have the Right To an Attorney.

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable.

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan.

Ohio: Where One of Your Dad's Friends Lives.

Ohio: It's Not Just "Hello" in Japanese.

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing.

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.

Rhode Island: Small, Yes, But We Know What to Do with It!

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee: The Educashun State.

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English).

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont: Yep.

Vermont: Gettin' Busy with New Hampshire since 1791.

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese.

Wisconsin: Come Smell our Dairy Air.

Wyoming: Where Men are Men (And The Sheep are Scared).